Thoughts from the heart

I went into the orchestra room when the bell rang to end the school day. I got my violin out of locker like I do everyday and slowly walked out. My head was about to burst and the heat outside was killing me. I love summer. Or atleast I used to love summer, until I became a hijabi and started to cover up more. It's not that I was hot, it just really bothered me seeing all the girl with their mini-skirts and skimpy little shorts all sitting, swarmed with boys. Supposedly it's still winter though. So the sentence about me loving or hating summer is pointless. But still. Anyways as I walked out of the orchestra room hanging on to my violin, I was met with a rush of hot air. I sighed and kept on walking. Then I heard someone calling my name behind me. I turn around and see that it's Bryan. I greet him with a hey and walk along asking where he's going. Apparently he's gotten a referral for walking out of a classroom. And so now he's suspended.

"No way Bryan why would you do that?!"
Bryan looks at me and shrugs, and has that stubborn look on his face that he always has when he's skipped a class.
Let me tell you a little bit about Bryan so you're not completely shocked.
Bryan skips almost every class of school, except orchestra, which is the only class I have with him. But before all the mothers out there start to gasp, I want to say one thing. Bryan has potential. He's an amazing person, he's not even bad and isn't like those boys that skip just for the attention and being "cool". Bryan isn't like that. He's a really good person, he's the kind of person who I can imagine reverting to Islam when he's older. If only he had the chance.

Anyways, he doesn't talk much about getting that referral, and I didn't expect him to but I said bye and went my way, walking home from school. And that walk took forever, but I was thinking so much about everything.
I thought about Bryan and his suspension. I thought about the skinny little models of girls that went to our school. I thought about the heat. Only because I couldn't avoid it. I thought about words, and things people have said. I thought about gym class.
Stupid, stupid gym class. This unit, and every day of the week we would be putting on blaring music and creating a dance to preform in front of maybe 60 students. Dancing. Blaring music. Everyone in the gym having fun, creating their dance. I was supposed to do it too. But I didn't. Why would I? I felt like collapsing right there on the floor, and crying, crying, crying. Not because of the dancing or music, because that was something I could get out of if i tried, but because of everything. Tiered of the boys swarming around the girls like candy. I was tiered of it all, tired of this stupid public school. They say that in a public school, difference is tolerated, but is it really? To me, it didn't matter what the school conduct rules said, it mattered how people felt. It was my first year as a hijabi. A decision I don't think I'll regret. But still. I found no connection in school. The people that had always been my friends,seemed far far away, in their land of makeup, clothes, skininess and of course the ultimate question of who would be their next date? It drove me crazy. Why date a boy if you had already planned out every detail of the day you would dump them?! And besides what was the point anyways? Long ago, 12 and 13 year olds were considered naiive children and yet now, most of the girls and boys in our school had gotten their first kisses since they were 10. What would you call that?! It was the same cycle over and over. Date a guy. Kiss them. Dump them. Date another guy. Kiss them. Dump them. Over and over and over. And this cycle usually took no more than a week to get over with. A friend dated a boy for a total of 3.5 hours and then got dumped for another "cuter" girl. Umm.? I was sick of all that flirting going on. Sick to death of it. The girl with her perfect, superstar shiny black hair that flipped around. Perfect body. Green eyes. Dressed in tight cutoff jeans and a fitting shirt. Everyone loved her. Of coure. I was sick of it.

"Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cuz Mr.Charming don't come home no more and
She forgets why she came here"

That verse of the song 'Fairytale' has been stuck in my head forever. because to me, it all made sense. It was perfect. Especially that last line "She forgets why she came here".
Anyways on my walk home, I thought about Gaza and wondered why everyone had forgotten about the Palestinians. Or maybe it was just me? I don't know. I felt so bad that i was going on with my life and not doing anything that would really help. I was angry with myself and my feet ached. And my head hurt from thinking so much. But thoughts are inevitable. They are necessary and unavoidable. Finally I get home. But I am still thinking. Thinking about Lisa
from A journey Westward from Tartary.
I think it just creeped in my mind. I've been replaying and replaying the conversation we had over the phone in my head like a memory I will never tier from remembering. The least thing I could do was remember. remember her story. Try to understand.

"Cinderella's on her bedroom floor
She's got a crush on the guy at the liquor store
Cuz Mr.Charming don't come home no more and
She forgets why she came here"

That song, I can't get it out of my head. It's stuck there. like glue. Finally I open the door to go into the house. I am greeted with a rush of cool air. Again I sigh and smile, well at least I tried to. I was so tiered, but I rushed to my room and prayed Dhuhr prayer and Asr since I don't have the oppurtunity or the place to pray it at school. After I am done prayingDhuhr, I sit down and recite Ayat Al-Kursi. And I start to cry. I don't know why. But I felt overwhelmed. Stuffed. Tiered of being blamed for everything. Sad. Like a flash back, I remember the conversation I had with my mom yesterday about what kind of classes and major I'd like to take in college. I had planned it all out. And college was far far away.In the future. With a sharp pang of guilt, I realized how stupid I had been to plan it all out. Allah(s.w.t) does what he pleases, and my plans were useless. I didn't even know if tommorow would come, let alone 5 more years in which I would even go into college. I didn't even know if I would be alive in5 years, or if I even wanted to be. I mentally scolded myself for my carelessness. I do that alot. I mentally scold myself too much. But...Anyways I get up and wipe the tears of my face and continue to pray Asr. Suddenly I felt like I didn't even want to. Like my prayers weren't coming from my heart anyways. Again like a flash back, I remember a part in a story called "If I should Speak" by Umm Zakiyyah where a college student who'd been a a very great muslim when she was youger suddenly let go of her religion, her hijab and prayers and started modeling, singing and staying in the company of men. Then one day she tried to pray and realized she'd forgotten all the words, because she'd gone so long without prayers. And then she stopped. On the day of her singing concert, after she had finished and was going back home, she gets in a car accident and dies. And she was 19 years old. Had she died muslim? Obviously not. She'd wasted all those days of where her iman was very high. She'd wasted all those days of fasting and praying just to sing and model. And then she died. Killed. There's a part in this book, where it's describing death from the Quran:

"As for the disbelieving (or corrup) man, when he leaves this world and eters the Hereafter, stern and harsh angels come down to him from heaven. Their faces are black, and they bring with them sack-cloth from Hell. They sit around him, as far as the eye can see. The Angel of Death comes and sits at his head and says, 'O evil soul, come out to the anger and wrath of God!'...The soul will be dragged out of his body with as much difficulty as a many-pronged skewer being pulled through wet wool (the veins and nerves will be destroyed by it). He will be cursed by every angel between heaven and earth, and by every angel in heaven. The gates of heaven will be locked and the people of every angel will pray to God not to allow his soul to ascend through their domain. He will take it and immediatley put it into the sack-cloth. IT will sting like the foulest stench of dead flesh ever witnessed on earth. They will take the soul up, and whenever they take it past a grup of angels they will say 'Who is this evil soul?' They say, 'It is so- and- so the son of so-and-so,' using the worst names in wchich he was addressed in the world (They will go on) until they reach the first heaven. They will ask for it to be opened to them, and it will not be opened. '...No opening will there be of the gates of heaven, nor will hey enter the Garden, until the camel can pass through the eye of the needle..." (Al-A'raaf, 7:40)

Astagfurallah, May Allah save us from this horrendous ending.

9 thoughts:

American Muslima Writer said...

This is my first time to your blog. I apologise profusely because I never came here when I should have.

SubhanALlah you bring me back all these memories of high school and walks home ugh. Please do me a favor when you are so upset I want you to think of this:

How did 3rd grade seem to you? How did 4th? 5th? They seem childish and petty right? That is exactly how High School is going to seem in just 3 or 4 more years. Absolutly worthless socially. Gain good girl friends if you can those tha accept you with hijab. Just be yourself and be strong as yourself. I knwo it's hard with all that fitna and peer pressure around you but try hard to be YOU. Learn different hobbies that you like. Learn different ways to think abou tthings. But try your best to realize none of this stupid girl/boy stuff with ever last. Everyone moves on in college or in life and very few relationships made in high school last into the real world between boys and girls.
You are not alone.
Allah is alwys watching you and pleased when you are true to Islam.

You're right about he story of that girl she waisted those years with idle nothings. Don't waste yours. Are you strong enough to start an Islamic club there? Teach poeple some basics about Islam? Even jsut 5 pillars? I wish in High School someone told me how to be a strong Muslimah. A lot of peopel asked about hijab but I wasn't knowledgeable enough to reply in a good dawah form.

maybe you should work the 5 pilalrs into your talks with this boy. Maybe he'll go and research it. he seems intelligent and lost. I was the same ditching classes looking for myself. What instrument does he play? i used to play cello and bass.

I'm so proud of you for sticking with hijab even though it is so hard. Just be true to yourself and others will follow. The popular ones are that because they have confidence in themselves. Have confidence in yourself and you will be the one who wins. Maybe not Prom Queen but you will WIn Allah's favor and what is greater than that? Nothing.

Love you, Brandy Aminah-Zahira

muslimahh said...

Ohhh sweetie! I can't even imagine how it feels to go through high school as not only a Muslim, but a hijabi. You have such strength my dear! If you ever need to talk please email me -!! I can tell by this post alone you are beautiful, strong girl mashallah. Keep it up! :) :) :) Hugs to you!!

Lisa said...

Tears *

Oh dear sister, I had no idea you felt this way. Alhamdulillah. I love you and as I said you are wise far and beyond your years. to be considering colleges so early. Mashallah sister. May Allah protect you.

I pray that my story helps you connect with Bryan. I think that Allah has already made him a Muslim and he just doesn't know it yet. The more he just sees your beautiful hijab and willingness to teach, the more he will turn to it. Perhaps that encouragement will also extend to him wanting to attend classes again.

Do your parents have any idea what kind of brilliant, deeply introspective, selfless daughter they've raised. All they need is to see the beauty of such a graceful Muslim girl on this blog if their unaware!

You have taught me a lot sweet Malekat about how to approach my lack of belief. How to not end up like that dead girl Astagfurallah.

Oh I pray with Brandy that you remain involved in the school community as a hijabi Muslim dear one. May Allah bless you in all you do. There is none as sweet as you precious Malekat. Love you always and forever!

Umm Omar said...

Wow, I am so amazed by your maturity and eloquence. Masha'Allah. May Allah protect you. High school is such a miserable time; it's supposed to be a time of happiness and pure fun, yeah right. I think most people will agree it's anything but. Most teenagers, unlike you, believe they are invincible-so immature, but they want all the rights and privelages of adults.
I completely understand your frustration with everything that surrounds you-the pettiness, superficiality of the lives of *everyone* around you. This experience is a complete struggle for a Muslim girl, especially in public school. This is your struggle, sweetie. Stay strong as you are and keep praying.

Most women are too hard on themselves.

"Why date a boy if you had already planned out every detail of the day you would dump them?! " I wish I thought like that in highschool! (cringing as I think back...)

Ameen to your duaa.

scarletadyant said...

In the other side of the whole world there are so many similiar case. Alhamdulillah, a muslim girl still stand on the faith. Do not ever affraid to the future, the new long as you life in Islam

Hijabis On Ranting Tour. said...

aww mashallah wallah you are so right
your post made me this close to tears
you know sometimes you get so caught up in worldy stuff
and it seems as if Islam takes second place
islam should never take second place
i know hw you feel when i started wearing hijab i felt everyone was staring at me they were not that i was no longer being judged 4 being naz but 4 being a muslim etc
it was hard bt i woudlnt swap it 4 the world
not now not ever
may Allah make us better people

Anonymous said...

hunni dont worry about a thing just remember your a girl you youthful energetic talented and amazing everything is so confusing and bag and wrong and its hard to find the real you but ou will find your self amongst all the mini skirts tight shirts flirty hair cuts and boys i promis this cloud will clear and when it does youll look back and laugh at these days i promise

Quick It Girl. said...

Hi Malekat! This is my first time on your blog and I really understand what ur going through. i think you and i are about the same age.

I never thought there was a Muslim blogger of my age out here. Everyone seems to be older. I'm so happy to have found you!

I have similar probs in my high school ( i go to a public school as well) but I'm starting to change my attitude towards those problems. I used to always feel down and I used to cry for everything that happened. But people like my sis motivate me to be strong and happy always. As long as Allah is pleased with us.

And I pray that Allah keeps our eeman intact always and that we're always guided on the straight path. Aameen.

We should always be grateful for what we have and whatever happens to us. Every day we should grow stronger with circumstances. Things happen for a reason. And with what happened to you, you're much stronger and wiser now.

BARAN said...

salams sister..I'm really feel sorry wat hav u been through..u're really strong girl..dont worry,we hav God.HE is with us,alwas with us..may Almighty Allah bless u always.ameen.